living with migraines.

I've had migraines my whole life. I know with certainty I've had them since age 5. I'm sure I've had them before that, but I really don't remember. Over the years the frequency and intensity have varied but they've never stopped. There are several kinds of migraines, and I know people who suffer from the kind that last days or weeks at a time. Sweet mother of pearl, I don't know what I would do if that were the kind that plagued me. It makes me think that the pain endured is just different somehow. Because there is absolutely no way whatsoever I could do anything I would call a normal activity with the pain I have. I have debilitating pain. When it strikes me, all I can do is lay in bed, in the dark and not move. The slightest glimmer of light or sound sends a pain through my body that I can't even describe. Even worse than that, is any kind of movement. Any slight adjustment of my head kills me. It's at those moments when I think I'd rather die than live another agonizing moment with that pain. The best description I can give is that it feels like a giant hand inside my skull, squeezing my brain with all it's might, and slowly turning it around in my head. Imagine taking 5 hours to unscrew a light bulb. Slow like that.

Over the years, I've learned how to tell the onset. I see little star bursts, like a quick display of teeny tiny little white fireworks. I tend to momentarily lose peripheral vision, and then black spots cloud over my sight. Sometimes taking an Excedrin right around this part will knock the migraine out completely. Sometimes, it just makes it manageable. There are times, however, when nothing works. I just have to succumb to the attack, and life comes to a screeching halt.

It's taken some practice, but I've learned some things that can trigger them. Stress. But usually the stress induced one can usually be stopped with medicine. Fluorescent lighting. Sucks. It should be outlawed. A lot of reading under fluorescent lights is just a migraine waiting to happen. I know there are some foods that can fuel a migraine, but I've never been able to pinpoint exactly which foods. Sometimes, missing a meal will bring one. Lack of sleep or too much sleep can cause one. But the most annoying thing of all is the unpredictability. There is no way to determine when one may strike, or when it does, how intense it will be. When I have one, it's life altering, and the migraine always wins.

The frequency of being affected has dwindled a bit as when I was a kid, but the severity has become substantially stronger. It's sort of a no win situation when I think about it. Would I rather have less powerful migraines more frequently or more agonizing migraines less often. I honestly don't know. I'm sure that which ever one I was suffering at the moment, I would say I'd rather have the other. Sometimes it hurts so bad that all I can do is cry. Which makes it worse. More often than not, they make me sick. The pressure in my head from throwing up is enough to make me wish I were dead.

I estimate that I was affected by migraines 3 to 4 times a month when I was a kid. (mom, would you say that is a fair guess?) Sometimes more, usually not less. It wasn't until about 5 or 6 years ago that I can noticeably recall a longer duration between attacks. I didn't realize at first, but I remember one day thinking that it had been a while since I had had a headache. Since then, they seem to be fewer and farther between. I suppose that would be a blessing. Hummm. Perhaps they are more intense now, because I am older and can tolerate more pain? Surely not. But maybe. This is the first time that has crossed my mind. I do feel fortunate that for the most part my migraines don't last longer than a day.

I've read that migraine is a disease. I guess I can see that. It makes me rethink my definition of disease. I mean, it isn't like there is a cure for migraines. You're either a victim or you're not. I haven't found any research that says genetics plays a role, and as far as I am aware, there is no one in my family who suffers from migraines. So, what is it about me and my makeup that is the perfect migraine breeding ground? I don't know. I'm just rambling at this point. It's late, and I need to go to bed.

I'll be around some tomorrow. Troll's haiku contest debuts tomorrow, and the theme is 'Sport.' I encourage you to participate. Just visit his blog and leave your haiku in his comment section. He'll announce the winner on the next Mute Monday post. It should be fun.